Bruins’ Most Wanted: Gutless Pukes

Unlike these PUKES, the Hanson Brothers dropped the gloves.

Call them what you will.

Villains.

Cheap shot artists.

Goons.

Instigators.

Turtles.

Cowards.

The Boston Bruins have had their fair share of run ins with gutless and spineless opponents over the past 30 years. These players don’t fight with their fists like real men, but creep around the corner and run players from behind.

They probably started rumors as children to start fights in school or got their siblings in trouble for taking cookies from the cookie jar. They pulled your hair and if you retaliated, your parents would punish you instead.

To put it mildly, they are rats. They won’t go toe to toe with the enforcers of the league; instead they go after the stars of the league with their stick blades, butt ends, shoulders, and elbows.

Here are my picks for the Bruins Most Wanted Gutless Pukes:

6. Scott Walker

During the 2009 Eastern Conference Semi Finals, the Carolina Hurricanes forward sucker punched Bruins defenseman Aaron Ward.

Ward crumpled to the ground like a pile of freshly fallen leaves.

The Bruins defensemen hadn’t dropped his gloves and didn’t even engage Walker. He was not inviting fisticuffs. Most men would have asked his opponent to “dance” to a song of haymakers and uppercuts, but not the coward known as Scott Walker. Fair fight is not even in Walker’s limited vocabulary. The cavemen from the Geico commercials wouldn’t want to be spoken in the same breath as the Neanderthal known as Scott Walker.

And to add insult to injury, Scott “bleepin” Walker would score the series clinching goal in Game 7 in overtime. He marked his place for eternity on the Most Wanted List of the Black and Gold.

5. Claude Lemieux

Lemieux could be considered the King of the Turtles. He would instigate and antagonize players like Cam Neely to no end. He was the master of stick work. Slashing, poking, and raking his opponents, like Neely, to no end.

However, when Neely confronted him and give him a side order of fist, Lemieux would poke his head into his shell. Hiding behind his visor.

Frank Sinatra’s song, “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” could have been written for this spineless amoeba. While with Montreal and New Jersey, Lemieux had a target on his back everytime he faced the Bruins.

However, his injustices didn’t stop there. As a member of the Colorado Avalanche, he hit the Red Wings Kris Draper from behind. He left Draper with a broken jaw, nose and cheekbone, and a concussion to boot. Draper’s jaw was wired shut and needed surgery to rebuild his face.

How do you spell Claude Lemieux? P-U-K-E

4. Randy Jones

 

In a 2007 matchup between Philly and Boston, Randy Jones hit the Bruin’s Patrice Bergeron from behind. Bergeron hit the boards facefirst and crumpled to the ground unconscious. Jones hit him with all his force and press the Bruins’ forwards face right into the dasher,

He was taken off the ice on a stretcher. Bergeron would suffer a broken nose and concussion.  He would miss a month of the season and Jones only received a two game suspension.

Did the punishment fit the crime?

Hello no!

I guess smashing a defenseless player’s face into the boards, isn’t that much of a big deal.

3. John Scott (Added October 2013)

Sabres John Scott is “Old” Matt Cooke with ZERO TALENT. Scott has 5 career points since he entered the league in 2008, so his role as a goon is pretty well defined. He picked a fight with the Bruins Shawn Thornton in 2013 (who he has 6 inches and 60 pounds on) and concussed him. During the 2013-4 season, he blind sided Loui Eriksson with a “Matt Cooke Like shot sidelining the winger indefinitely.

 

2. Matt Cooke

Speaking of defenseless players, the Bruins’ Marc Savard was headhunted by the Penguins, Matt Cooke in a 2010 regular season game. Savard released the puck and was blindsided by Cooke and he was knocked out before he hit the ice.

Technically by the fraudulent rules of the Colin Campbell and the NHL, this was a clean hit. I guess a shoulder to the cranium is okay but an elbow to the head is not. Different set of bones, but same result. Cooke received no suspension for his attempt to injure Marc Savard (but Cooke received a suspension earlier this year for a similar hit).

Well mission successful, you gutless goon. Savard will probably miss the rest of the regular season and probably the playoffs as well.

Matt Cooke congratulations! You have become the most wanted man in Boston since gangster, Whitey Bulger.

Updated October 2013: Matt Cooke has since found god and is “reborn”. Just give it time for another ultimate sin.


1. Ulf Samuelsson

Where do we begin with our buddy, Ulfie “will never drop the gloves” Samuelsson?  If Claude Lemieux was the Darth Vader of cheap shots, Ulf is the Emperor. He singlehandedly destroyed the career of Cam Neely.

Neely and Samuelsson started their deep hatred for each other when Ulfie played for the Whale. Samuelsson would always bait the Bruin’s players and have them lose their cool. He was also a master of the stick and knew exactly where to put it to antagonize his opponent.

The knee check heard around the world occurred during Game 3 of the 1991 Wales Conference Finals. Ulfie was now a member of the Pittsburgh Penguins. He lined up Cam Neely on an open ice hit. However, most players who had an ounce of decency and regard for an opponent’s health would have hit Neely with a shoulder.

Nope not the notorious Ulf Samuelsson! He hit the Bruins’ star power forward with a knee to knee hit. The knee injury compounded with the formation of myositis ossificans, where muscle becomes bone, limited Neely to 22 games over the next two seasons.

It was the beginning of the end for Cam Neely as a professional hockey player. Neely went from a perennial 50 goal scorer to a player who couldn’t play more than 50 games a season due to knee and hip issues.

Ulfie, I hope you can sleep at night for cheating the Bruins fans from watching a healthy and dominant Cam Neely. I guess if you can’t beat him, you have to injure him.

3 comments

  • Bill Barber is up there too

  • no. look at Cam Neely when Ulf starts to throw the check. :41 to :47 in the youtube link. ulf was setting up a hit like everyone is taught to in hockey. bend the knees and aim for the chest. Cam Neely CLEARLY attempts to deke the hit by jumping to his left. (Ulf's right). when he did that, the last part of his body to move was his legs (naturally). it was simply a accidental collision. that happens in hockey all the time. I played for 13 years, and since i was the biggest kid on my teams in most of my years in hockey, i was the enforcer. this has happened to me also. it was just how the game goes sometimes.

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