The 10 Most Important Things That Happened This Week

Brady’s hair outshines Rams

Since his appearance courtside during the NBA Finals, Tom Brady has drawn a lot of comparisons to Justin Bieber. They say it’s the hair. I’m not sure if that’s the case. I’ve never seen this Bieber kid, but from what I’ve heard, he’s the apple of the eye of every 12-year old girl whose mother thought Nick Carter was “dreamy” and couldn’t wait until marriage.

But last night at the Razor, it seems like Brady’s anti-fro got in his eyes. Or at least it must have seemed that way to the Rams’ secondary, who couldn’t get a read on anything that Brady was doing as he tore them up for over 270 yards and three touchdowns.

It seems the glare had its effect on the Pats’ defense, too, as they found themselves completely unable to stop anything, much less the laser arm of Sam Bradford, as the Rams defeated the Pats, 36-35 on a last-second Josh Brown field goal.

It all leaves one to wonder: Is Bradford the anti-Bieber? And if so, why hasn’t Jive records signed him to a deal?

Didn't he used to be so cute?

Red Sox continue to tread water in soggy Fens

This week at the YMCA, the “Tuna” group completed its first diving classes. The class is comprised mostly of once-members of the 2010 Boston Red Sox, and all 38 players passed with flying colors, although there were a few question marks during the class itself. Dustin Pedroia – once MVP and Rookie of the Year on the baseball diamond – spoke at length prior to the class about how he “invented the laser show” and didn’t “need no newfangled swimming lessons.”
Former Red Sox centerfielder and leadoff man Jacoby Ellsbury complained that hitting the water “made [his] tummy hurt,” and some other whiny nonsense.

While the incapacitated version of the 2010 Red Sox were busy learning to swim, their able colleagues spent the week treading water in a rain-soaked Fenway Park against the soon-to-be Oklahoma City Mariners. Or Tornadoes. Well, whatever. Just don’t let the Starbucks guy near them.

Rondo leaves team USA, takes his Red Bull with him

Director of U.S. Basketball operations Jerry Colangelo is currently in talks with representatives from Five-Hour Energy, Monster and the Guys Who Used to Make Surge as he attempts to procure a method for giving his FIBA world championships team some motivation to win after stud point guard and Celtics poster-boy Rajon Rondo unexpectedly left the team, citing family issues. When asked about the circumstances surrounding his departure, Rondo noted that “one, I don’t play with no high-falootin’ Lakers and two, none of those guys are even close to 33. Didn’t Colangelo know I only play with guys who are past their prime?” He went on to amend his earlier statement, saying that “Glen Davis? He ain’t past his prime yet. But dude’s messed up something wicked.”

Colangelo’s attempts to procure another energy provider have not been terribly successful thus far. If talks with the energy beverage companies stay at an impasse, Colangelo has noted that he may pursue a relationship with National Grid because, while it may not give energy to the US team, it will also “knock the power out of those Canadian bastards, eh?” If all else fails, Colangelo has BP listed as his last resort.

NHL bloggers take center stage

In what has turned into a fight to the death, the entire city of Toronto is in an uproar because members of its media are disrespecting their underground media. After Dave Fuller of the Toronto Sun took it upon himself to steal a translation of an interview with Tomas Kaberle’s father from Pension Plan Puppets, Damien Cox accused bloggers as a whole of living in their mother’s basements, which many native Toronto-ans took exception to, because Toronto is actually built below sea level and nobody there is allowed to have basements after that whole Katrina fiasco.

It’s a relevant argument – the battle between bloggers and MSM is beginning to get extremely heated, and there’s reason to believe that the Obama administration could harness the animosity and use it to fuel the fancy, shiny trains that they plan on distributing all over the land.

Seriously, though, it’s created a gigantic underground movement that hasn’t gained any steam because the media is the only way movements pick up speed in this country anymore, but continues to get headier and headier as time goes on. It’s gotten so bad thatt Pope Benedict was forced to release this edict: Every Time a Blogger scoops the MSM, Brett Favre will debate his football future for another day.
Scary stuff, indeed.

Gronkowski clubs baby seals. And people love him for it.

Patriots rookie tight end Rob Gronkowski has a manly name, a manly haircut, a manly style of play and, now, a manly hobby to boot. After scoring two touchdowns in the Patriots’ preseason loss to the lowly St. Louis Rams, Gronkowski immediately hopped on his private jet to fly to the north Atlantic and start “beating the living hell out of the declining seal population,” according to his agent.

Normally, the clubbing of seals is frowned upon by animal activists, 14-year old girls and anyone with a soul (see: not Tiger Woods). But after Gronkowski’s beast of a TD catch in which he first shook off the weak hands of Rams’ linebacker James Laurinitis and then actually pushed the earth down with his free hand, nobody in Patriot Nation is complaining. Besides, how could you, with that haircut?
“I grew up a big fan of seals, really,” said Gronkowski in-between clubbings. “But ever since I heard that atrocious ‘Kiss From a Rose’ song, it was downhill. And I’ll keep clubbing them until I find the one that sang that song.”

Justice never rests.

According to Twitter, it’s still the NBA Finals.

Despite the Fourth of July coming and going, the Red Sox’ annual visit to the playoffs being cut way short and the Bruins drafting all those guys who pronounce their names weird, one internet domain hasn’t lost sight of what time it really is.

According to Twitter, the social networking site that caters to those incapable of comprehending more than 140 characters at a time, it is still the NBA Finals. Twitter’s localized trending topics for Boston are headlined by “Grand Theft Rondo” and include nothing but references to how glorious a game seven the Lakers played.

Despite pleas from many Boston tweeters that the service update its algorithm to provide Bostonians with real-time trends so they never actually have to leave their computers to know everything that’s going on, Twitter hasn’t been able to rectify the situation. When approached for comment, the San Francisco-based company had this to say:

Pretty self-explanatory, no?

Fortunately for Boston residents and Celtics fans alike, there’s still always next year.

Pedroia heading to IR, but at least he can use his crutches to get that coffee now!

Red Sox’ second baseman Dustin Pedroia is likely going to be placed on Injured Reserve, effectively ending his season and the Red Sox hopes to be the only team in the playoffs with a midget on their roster.

After the media dug him out from under a pile of used jockstraps, Pedroia mumbled something about the laser show before sneaking out of the locker room through a hole he chewed with his teeth underneath David Ortiz’ locker.

There is good news for Pedroia, however. Doctors told him that with the appropriate rehabilitation and crutch use, he can appear to be as tall as a “normal” person, at least until he’s healthy. After that, he can keep the crutches to help get that elusive Dunkin’ Donuts Iced Coffee down from the top of his locker. When informed of this development, Pedroia was so happy, he “pooped a little, right there.”

Match Made in Heaven: He love Hoopz, She Loves Money

Boston Celtics’ Center Shaquille O’Neal is rumored to have recently proposed to his to his girlfriend, Nikki “Hoopz” Alexander. Alexander is known for winning VH1 reality/competition shows “Flavor of Love” and “I Love Money.” O’Neal is famous for having lots of money.

With the pending nuptials, Shaq becomes the second member of a professional sports team to bring a woman considered a “10” to Boston with him this offseason.

The first, of course, was new Bruins winger Nathan Horton, whose wife Tammy has posed for Playboy (sorry, boys, no links here). Rumor has it that Tammy, Hoopz and Gisele, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s spouse, will be teaming up to – among other things like fighting cancer and teaching inner-city school kids to read – convince the single members of the Red Sox to settle down with “a nice piece of ass for a change.”

Brady to Jets: I hate you. Sanchize to Brady: But i wuvvvvvv youuuuu

Earlier in the week, when he was asked about whether or not he’d seen the New York Jets’ attempting to play football “or whatever it is that they do” on HBO’s Hard Knocks by a reporter, Tom Brady replied by saying that he hates that shows and he hates the Jets, so he’ll never endorse that show.

He went on to note that he hates “anything Rex Ryan eats; the color green; the letters J, E and S but not T because that’s what my name begins with; New Jersey, New York and Connecticut; Sam Bradford’s stupid shit-eating grin and both meadows AND lands.”
Approached about Brady’s comments the next day, Jets quarterback and known wuss Mark Sanchez said succinctly: “I love Tom Brady.” He also made it clear that he enjoys “the section of FAO Schwartz with the big, cuddly stuffed animals, the PINK line by Victoria’s Secret and long, sensual massages” from his life partner, movie star Bruno.

In other Jets news that nobody cares about, Darelle Revis – who apparently has an island named after him – was going to sign a contract extension with the team, but decided instead to take a vacation, prompting ESPN’s Adam Schefter to start bitching on Twitter about how his job was “too hard” and he needed all his followers to do his work for him.

Brady announced SI’s best ever to wear Number 12

According to a Sports Illustrated report, Tom Brady is the best football player to wear the number 12. The report was clearly put together by monkeys on drugs, because obviously Tom Brady is the best player to wear the number 12. He’s also the greatest human being, ever.
Honorable mentions went out to Johnny Boychuk (almost not included because he wears 55, but then he beat the writer in a staring contest when the power of his breath rendered the writer dead), Wayne Brady and the guy who mows my lawn.

But really, this was a no-contest from the beginning.


That’s it for this week’s 10 most important things. Check back next week when we discuss the beginning of the football season, the end of the Red Sox’ season and Tiger Woods going single and immediately becoming a tease.

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